As I sit here in my house with 2 of my 3 boys (the oldest is at Nana's) I wonder if I was really cut out for this job. I mean seriously.....those who know me know my patience level has always been slim to zip and that when it comes to being irritated really easily-I am the poster child for losing my mind. But here I am, single mom to 3 wonderful, autistic boys. I can't say that I would want to change too much of my life, although I think that I would get rid of the last 3 years with a so called Mr. Ick, but I would like to meet the fool who somehow created Autism! I know my life is more enriched, no seriously it is-I have learned more from my 3 autistic sons than I have ever learned from any neuro-typical child I have ever been in contact with, and entertainment is always in abundance here, no need to buy tickets to any comedy show....I have my own, and sometimes they are a heck of a lot funnier than any stand up comic out there. My boys are handsome, smart, silly, and just the greatest kids ever, but there are a few things I would like to kind of change or tone down a bit it possible (hey we can all dream). First of all-Stimming....seriously I can guarantee you that my middle son has taken about 3000 laps if not more around my house in his lifetime....this is not including the outside of the house or the thousands of hours a summer he spends on the Trampoline. Normally it doesn't get to me, but when you have days where there isn't anything to do, because it is raining or snowing or someone is sick.....than you want to gorilla glue his feet to the floor in hopes that he will sit in one spot long enough for you to get one thing done. Along with the endless stimming we have the endless munching (this is about the only thing they get from me....course the rest of their genetic makeup is from their dad-which I will be honest, isn't all bad....) I swear I am buying at least 100 to 200 worth in groceries each time I go and I go at least 2 times a month....I feel like no sooner do I get food than it is gone again....Ugh and they aren't even teenagers yet! Than you have the constant birage of 1 TV going with something (Spongebob, Wonder Pets, Dinosaurs, Stitch, Scooby Doo and so forth) while the other TV is going at the same time and is usually on Nick Jr.....and don't forget about the oldest child who either watches some Pokeman, Bakugan, or some other Japanese Anime show (Thank you James) or he has stationed himself on his computer.....At any given time you can walk into my house and find at least 2 TV's and 2 computers going at a one time! Welcome to the wonderful world of technology....had my kids been born back before any of this was around-Oh I think they would have done put me in a straight jacket in a rubber room somewhere...as a matter of fact I am positive that is what would be the case. My only reprieve, other than the wonderful and awesome staff that work with my kids, is Wed. nights for karaoke and sometimes Sat. nights as well.....I am beginning to think that I am going to pretend that I have a job outside of the house just so I can get a vacation....
Yes I know, that is crazy talk and someone would surely bust me out! By the end of the day I am ready to crawl under a rock and not return until next week....It's not going to work, but it is a very wonderful fantasy....course so is taking off in my vehicle and just driving til the gas runs out....but than I would miss my kids, miss my circus of a household and probably go insain from too much silence!!!!!!!!
Lets face it....if my life was anything less than it is now, I think I would be one of those people that has to create drama just so I can have something to do....lol.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
Brick Wall
This brick wall is so familiar to me, I know I hit it once before. Back when all 3 of the boys were diagnosed with Autism, I was happy to finally have a dx and to know that it wasn't just me, or that I was a bad parent, but a few days after I realized just how real the reality of it really was. I have come back to this wall again today! It is not a fun wall....it is full of pain, hurt, guilt, shame, tears.....you name it, the wall is covered in it. Yesterday was the biggest victory of our lives so far- Him pleading guilty and them being able to charge him with the acts against D as well without the proof they were wanting, but with the fact that they had him confessing it, and they were able to find a legal way to charge it....Thank God, that act was the worst one out of all....Not a lot of people know what this is....I am now going to give you all the answers you have been seeking from me....I feel that it is okay now, and it is time to get it out and get passed it!
Most of you remember back last fall when I was constantly in pain from my back and legs and was on a regamine of percocets and muscle relaxers, which would make me feel physically ill at the same time. Well as it was C (I just can't really say, see, hear, or write his name right now) had to go back to his truck up in Zimmerman to get some things that he had forgot-I was not able to make the hour drive up there and the hour drive back very well so he told me to take my meds and get some rest and he would take S and D with him so I would be able to relax and rest....I now see how ignorant and nieve I really was. From here is where this is going to get graphic and probably more info than you want to know....
Once at the truck he had them undress and then made them perform oral and anal acts on eachother- Please keep in mind that D is classic low functioning autistic and is mostly non verbal. All the while C was taking pictures of this and after it was over with he went on to penetrate S in from of D.
Because he was somehow able to get rid of the pictures of this, the Feds along with the state of MN were positive they weren't going to be able to prosecute him on this charge-obviously they found a way and we have learned that D sets a presidence in Dakota County as the first case to have this kind of charge.....Imagine if the laws on that kind of charge can get stiffer penalties all because of what D went through....I think that would be a great Victory for us as well. Anyway I know that most of you are sick from reading this and probably will be commenting me and telling me I shouldn't have posted, but you know what I don't care....this needs to be out there....People need to know what happened to these boys, so that they can make sure it doesn't happen to their kids.
I have lost some friendships recently, it bothers me but I can only do so much to try to retain the relationship....what hurts me the most about losing those friendships is that when I was having days close to this one I always had somewhere to go that was close enough and I felt safe....I knew that there was someone there covering my back and that if I needed something they were there. This is hard enough, but than to have to go through it without the support of some, well it makes it harder. Whatever the reason for the friendship not being there, the point of this is that, I want to thank the people for the love and support that was given in the beginning of all of this, because honestly they were a major part of me being able to keep my faith in God and in myself as a person and a parent.
(Please if you know about the situation, please don't comment on it....there is enough animosity about that as there is and I really don't think it needs to be rehashed...I just wanted the people that were affected to know that I appreciate them and their time in my life)
This is what the brick wall does to you....it makes you ramble about how you are feeling, whether or not it makes sense, whether or not it seems like a good idea at the time to say what you want to say....it is the brick wall! The brick wall isn't always bad though- When you hit that brick wall-You know you are on your way to healing! I know this route all too well and even though it sucks, I know that it is only going to get better from here, it has too because I have God on my side! My children are my life, and they are the reason I am still here. I look at them everyday and wonder.....God, how did I of all people end up with the bravest, most wonderful, beautiful boys in the world? And why did you pick me to have them? I know I am not given more than I can handle, even when it seems that way.....I know that I am always going to have Him to lift me up when I can not get up. I also know that he is going to break this brick wall down for me to get through it again....He has before!
Most of you remember back last fall when I was constantly in pain from my back and legs and was on a regamine of percocets and muscle relaxers, which would make me feel physically ill at the same time. Well as it was C (I just can't really say, see, hear, or write his name right now) had to go back to his truck up in Zimmerman to get some things that he had forgot-I was not able to make the hour drive up there and the hour drive back very well so he told me to take my meds and get some rest and he would take S and D with him so I would be able to relax and rest....I now see how ignorant and nieve I really was. From here is where this is going to get graphic and probably more info than you want to know....
Once at the truck he had them undress and then made them perform oral and anal acts on eachother- Please keep in mind that D is classic low functioning autistic and is mostly non verbal. All the while C was taking pictures of this and after it was over with he went on to penetrate S in from of D.
Because he was somehow able to get rid of the pictures of this, the Feds along with the state of MN were positive they weren't going to be able to prosecute him on this charge-obviously they found a way and we have learned that D sets a presidence in Dakota County as the first case to have this kind of charge.....Imagine if the laws on that kind of charge can get stiffer penalties all because of what D went through....I think that would be a great Victory for us as well. Anyway I know that most of you are sick from reading this and probably will be commenting me and telling me I shouldn't have posted, but you know what I don't care....this needs to be out there....People need to know what happened to these boys, so that they can make sure it doesn't happen to their kids.
I have lost some friendships recently, it bothers me but I can only do so much to try to retain the relationship....what hurts me the most about losing those friendships is that when I was having days close to this one I always had somewhere to go that was close enough and I felt safe....I knew that there was someone there covering my back and that if I needed something they were there. This is hard enough, but than to have to go through it without the support of some, well it makes it harder. Whatever the reason for the friendship not being there, the point of this is that, I want to thank the people for the love and support that was given in the beginning of all of this, because honestly they were a major part of me being able to keep my faith in God and in myself as a person and a parent.
(Please if you know about the situation, please don't comment on it....there is enough animosity about that as there is and I really don't think it needs to be rehashed...I just wanted the people that were affected to know that I appreciate them and their time in my life)
This is what the brick wall does to you....it makes you ramble about how you are feeling, whether or not it makes sense, whether or not it seems like a good idea at the time to say what you want to say....it is the brick wall! The brick wall isn't always bad though- When you hit that brick wall-You know you are on your way to healing! I know this route all too well and even though it sucks, I know that it is only going to get better from here, it has too because I have God on my side! My children are my life, and they are the reason I am still here. I look at them everyday and wonder.....God, how did I of all people end up with the bravest, most wonderful, beautiful boys in the world? And why did you pick me to have them? I know I am not given more than I can handle, even when it seems that way.....I know that I am always going to have Him to lift me up when I can not get up. I also know that he is going to break this brick wall down for me to get through it again....He has before!
Wednesdays Victory!
Wed. was the court hearing.....and he pleaded guilty! They were also able to charge him with the charge for my middle son as well, they didn't think they would be able to. What a victory for us. Sentencing is September 2.
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