Brick Wall

This brick wall is so familiar to me, I know I hit it once before. Back when all 3 of the boys were diagnosed with Autism, I was happy to finally have a dx and to know that it wasn't just me, or that I was a bad parent, but a few days after I realized just how real the reality of it really was. I have come back to this wall again today! It is not a fun wall....it is full of pain, hurt, guilt, shame, tears.....you name it, the wall is covered in it. Yesterday was the biggest victory of our lives so far- Him pleading guilty and them being able to charge him with the acts against D as well without the proof they were wanting, but with the fact that they had him confessing it, and they were able to find a legal way to charge it....Thank God, that act was the worst one out of all....Not a lot of people know what this is....I am now going to give you all the answers you have been seeking from me....I feel that it is okay now, and it is time to get it out and get passed it!

Most of you remember back last fall when I was constantly in pain from my back and legs and was on a regamine of percocets and muscle relaxers, which would make me feel physically ill at the same time. Well as it was C (I just can't really say, see, hear, or write his name right now) had to go back to his truck up in Zimmerman to get some things that he had forgot-I was not able to make the hour drive up there and the hour drive back very well so he told me to take my meds and get some rest and he would take S and D with him so I would be able to relax and rest....I now see how ignorant and nieve I really was. From here is where this is going to get graphic and probably more info than you want to know....
Once at the truck he had them undress and then made them perform oral and anal acts on eachother- Please keep in mind that D is classic low functioning autistic and is mostly non verbal. All the while C was taking pictures of this and after it was over with he went on to penetrate S in from of D. 

Because he was somehow able to get rid of the pictures of this, the Feds along with the state of MN were positive they weren't going to be able to prosecute him on this charge-obviously they found a way and we have learned that D sets a presidence in Dakota County as the first case to have this kind of charge.....Imagine if the laws on that kind of charge can get stiffer penalties all because of what D went through....I think that would be a great Victory for us as well. Anyway I know that most of you are sick from reading this and probably will be commenting me and telling me I shouldn't have posted, but you know what I don't care....this needs to be out there....People need to know what happened to these boys, so that they can make sure it doesn't happen to their kids. 

I have lost some friendships recently, it bothers me but I can only do so much to try to retain the relationship....what hurts me the most about losing those friendships is that when I was having days close to this one I always had somewhere to go that was close enough and I felt safe....I knew that there was someone there covering my back and that if I needed something they were there. This is hard enough, but than to have to go through it without the support of some, well it makes it harder. Whatever the reason for the friendship not being there, the point of this is that, I want to thank the people for the love and support that was given in the beginning of all of this, because honestly they were a major part of me being able to keep my faith in God and in myself as a person and a parent.
(Please if you know about the situation, please don't comment on it....there is enough animosity about that as there is and I really don't think it needs to be rehashed...I just wanted the people that were affected to know that I appreciate them and their time in my life)

This is what the brick wall does to you....it makes you ramble about how you are feeling, whether or not it makes sense, whether or not it seems like a good idea at the time to say what you want to say....it is the brick wall! The brick wall isn't always bad though- When you hit that brick wall-You know you are on your way to healing! I know this route all too well and even though it sucks, I know that it is only going to get better from here, it has too because I have God on my side! My children are my life, and they are the reason I am still here. I look at them everyday and wonder.....God, how did I of all people end up with the bravest, most wonderful, beautiful boys in the world? And why did you pick me to have them? I know I am not given more than I can handle, even when it seems that way.....I know that I am always going to have Him to lift me up when I can not get up. I also know that he is going to break this brick wall down for me to get through it again....He has before!

Wednesdays Victory!

Wed. was the court hearing.....and he pleaded guilty!  They were also able to charge him with the charge for my middle son as well, they didn't think they would be able to.  What a victory for us.  Sentencing is September 2.